"Oh I am a lonely painter
I live in a box of paints
I'm frightened by the devil
And I'm drawn to those ones that ain't afraid"
Sunday, November 7, 2010
blue.
joni takes me tonight to a little apartment in ny overlooking perhaps washington square filled with angelic people with acoustic guitars and lovers unexplained. tea tastes good and i can only pray i get through this year to not waste the previous 3 but joni and i we both know my wings began itching on my back and soon i gotta fly away
Saturday, November 6, 2010
jump in the waters when they're raging
Long time, no see lovers.
i’m aware that it took me a little too long to get my ass outta whining and come down here to say a few words—but all’s been thought over (and then some) and here i am.
strange things have been happening lately-school, for starters. my beloved castle of 'multitudes' have fallen. it all seems to be such a drag these days to even just get down there. it seems outdated and pointless and absolutely unnecessary. and you know what happens when i lose faith in something--it just goes downhill crazily--so i'm thinking low grades and a few disasterous choices lie ahead as the spring approaches. not much i can do at this point to change that. i mean there is but i won't do so. i can't do so. if my heart ain't in it than i can't force myself to lose hours on causes i no longer believe in. path of academia at this point in my life no longer excites me--i surely have a lot to learn but i need to do so through life-not through a bunch of people with too many to count sticks up their asses
moving on. i had two lovely nights in a row over the past two days--and though i'm a little tired and time seems to be running this weekend i surely am happy. both were two absolutely opposite ends of the spectrum--one being too turkish and the other being absolutely non-turkish. fasil as we call it--a dinner made up of friends music and my land's most pleasant beauty raki--it was a blast on thursday night when i had a chance to hang out with some of my favorite people. though strings were stretched as far as they could--some on the break of breaking of--and certain uncertain issues lingered on--all through it was a lovely night with highlights such as doorstep assumptions on what makes or should make you happy and let it be ringing softly in the back (which is most unusual in a fasil) and later on drunken moments of beauty such as talking about broken friendships walking up to the square or freaking out in my drunken state of mind over a nightmare i had a few days ago in which one of my best friends lately learnt something about me that i know he would sooner or later--truth is at this point it would be cruel to not let him in the picture since my insignificant secret lingered around for one too many minutes around his circle--anywho it's different when you're drunk--evertything is simpler and most logical--yet you feel something strained beneath your dragon skin--i have noticed on my way back through the fog smudged night that i as i tried figure out who i was and what i wanted or tried not to want anything that i thought i can not have have managed to successefully killed a deeper silent part of me--all that struggle to be quieter and lonelier and bleak--i thought i bounced back all right--truth is i haven't--a part of it still veils me and chains me down and i went home last night noticing that i no longer was capable of being that happy--the way that i used to be upon returning from drunken voyages made with friends (bobby says -- you can always come back but you can't come back all the way)
last night was entirely different. i had too lesser known still loved friends with me and we went to see the blues festival downtown--which was a things of beauty in itself. note to thyself--never go to a blues show without a lover. i have decided after last night that blues was the most sexual genre out there. it takes you up to this level of energy and passion and leaves you off there--it doesn't explode you like rock'n roll or leave you grounded like folk music--god freaking knows it is just insanely sex-friendly. i don't know how clear this sounds but you had to be there to know what i mean--especially near the end when kenny neal was doing this mean heavy i can't quit you babe type of blues song it just makes you lose it. besides that the whole thing was amazing--it was probably the first show i ever been to without having a clue about the participants--but from now on samuel james is surely under my spidey senses--dude looked more like jay z then muddy waters but still man did he know how to play that guitar. it was a whole army of musicians molded into one human being.
two kinds of people should be banned from attending shows like this one-- 1) wannabe high school kids (i know i know i sound like a bitch for saying that but man they are annoying) 2)creepy snake dancing guys that keep yelling and pointing at the sax player just desperately dying to let them know how much they totally love them--would have loved to have bobby there--that would have been a blast
lets see what else? caleb followill is killing me these days--as they often do--the songs began growing on me--and that voice--man--that voice that scratching tearing roaring growling beauty--it's unhealthy, to be exact. that's how amazing it is. pony up is getting to a frequently played on my ipod. SPEAKING OF- my stupid headphones broke. hence i was miserably all through the bus rides. but i am so getting a new one tomorrow so hopefully by monday morning, i'll be a happier person.
oh and another strange event. this lovely friend of mine that i've just met upon hearing from me (being possibly one of very few) that i wanted to write in the future revealed that he also had an idea for a book--but he would probably get down to that later on in life since it was 'too hard' to do so for now. but he also made me smile afterwards declaring that i made him 'think about what he was going to do--again!' so i guess kindred spirits are not always as far away as we think they are--or maybe they'r even further down--who knows
so as you see not much changes. i do feel slightly changed. i do feel slightly lonelier. slightly more confused. yet slightly clearer.
highly estranged. wounded but up on my two feet. putting friends secrest and families in my rear window. at least trying to--as that lead followill boy often lets me know (or at least i assume he does--boy has a way of singing the words that lets you hear them as what you wish them to be and not what they really are--in the strangest parts of town at the strangest hours too)
and all this pissin' around
cut loose of this fuckin' town
i ain't comin back
i got my ticket on to the next one
ah november. take off your shirt already and show me your raindrops.
i’m aware that it took me a little too long to get my ass outta whining and come down here to say a few words—but all’s been thought over (and then some) and here i am.
strange things have been happening lately-school, for starters. my beloved castle of 'multitudes' have fallen. it all seems to be such a drag these days to even just get down there. it seems outdated and pointless and absolutely unnecessary. and you know what happens when i lose faith in something--it just goes downhill crazily--so i'm thinking low grades and a few disasterous choices lie ahead as the spring approaches. not much i can do at this point to change that. i mean there is but i won't do so. i can't do so. if my heart ain't in it than i can't force myself to lose hours on causes i no longer believe in. path of academia at this point in my life no longer excites me--i surely have a lot to learn but i need to do so through life-not through a bunch of people with too many to count sticks up their asses
moving on. i had two lovely nights in a row over the past two days--and though i'm a little tired and time seems to be running this weekend i surely am happy. both were two absolutely opposite ends of the spectrum--one being too turkish and the other being absolutely non-turkish. fasil as we call it--a dinner made up of friends music and my land's most pleasant beauty raki--it was a blast on thursday night when i had a chance to hang out with some of my favorite people. though strings were stretched as far as they could--some on the break of breaking of--and certain uncertain issues lingered on--all through it was a lovely night with highlights such as doorstep assumptions on what makes or should make you happy and let it be ringing softly in the back (which is most unusual in a fasil) and later on drunken moments of beauty such as talking about broken friendships walking up to the square or freaking out in my drunken state of mind over a nightmare i had a few days ago in which one of my best friends lately learnt something about me that i know he would sooner or later--truth is at this point it would be cruel to not let him in the picture since my insignificant secret lingered around for one too many minutes around his circle--anywho it's different when you're drunk--evertything is simpler and most logical--yet you feel something strained beneath your dragon skin--i have noticed on my way back through the fog smudged night that i as i tried figure out who i was and what i wanted or tried not to want anything that i thought i can not have have managed to successefully killed a deeper silent part of me--all that struggle to be quieter and lonelier and bleak--i thought i bounced back all right--truth is i haven't--a part of it still veils me and chains me down and i went home last night noticing that i no longer was capable of being that happy--the way that i used to be upon returning from drunken voyages made with friends (bobby says -- you can always come back but you can't come back all the way)
last night was entirely different. i had too lesser known still loved friends with me and we went to see the blues festival downtown--which was a things of beauty in itself. note to thyself--never go to a blues show without a lover. i have decided after last night that blues was the most sexual genre out there. it takes you up to this level of energy and passion and leaves you off there--it doesn't explode you like rock'n roll or leave you grounded like folk music--god freaking knows it is just insanely sex-friendly. i don't know how clear this sounds but you had to be there to know what i mean--especially near the end when kenny neal was doing this mean heavy i can't quit you babe type of blues song it just makes you lose it. besides that the whole thing was amazing--it was probably the first show i ever been to without having a clue about the participants--but from now on samuel james is surely under my spidey senses--dude looked more like jay z then muddy waters but still man did he know how to play that guitar. it was a whole army of musicians molded into one human being.
two kinds of people should be banned from attending shows like this one-- 1) wannabe high school kids (i know i know i sound like a bitch for saying that but man they are annoying) 2)creepy snake dancing guys that keep yelling and pointing at the sax player just desperately dying to let them know how much they totally love them--would have loved to have bobby there--that would have been a blast
lets see what else? caleb followill is killing me these days--as they often do--the songs began growing on me--and that voice--man--that voice that scratching tearing roaring growling beauty--it's unhealthy, to be exact. that's how amazing it is. pony up is getting to a frequently played on my ipod. SPEAKING OF- my stupid headphones broke. hence i was miserably all through the bus rides. but i am so getting a new one tomorrow so hopefully by monday morning, i'll be a happier person.
oh and another strange event. this lovely friend of mine that i've just met upon hearing from me (being possibly one of very few) that i wanted to write in the future revealed that he also had an idea for a book--but he would probably get down to that later on in life since it was 'too hard' to do so for now. but he also made me smile afterwards declaring that i made him 'think about what he was going to do--again!' so i guess kindred spirits are not always as far away as we think they are--or maybe they'r even further down--who knows
so as you see not much changes. i do feel slightly changed. i do feel slightly lonelier. slightly more confused. yet slightly clearer.
highly estranged. wounded but up on my two feet. putting friends secrest and families in my rear window. at least trying to--as that lead followill boy often lets me know (or at least i assume he does--boy has a way of singing the words that lets you hear them as what you wish them to be and not what they really are--in the strangest parts of town at the strangest hours too)
and all this pissin' around
cut loose of this fuckin' town
i ain't comin back
i got my ticket on to the next one
ah november. take off your shirt already and show me your raindrops.
Monday, November 1, 2010
quit your low down ways
i am gonna get around to things soon--till then don't assume i've given up hope on this place--it's just been a couple of funny weeks and we'll have a chat as soon as i get my on my two feet
Friday, October 29, 2010
Friday, October 22, 2010
rank strangers to me
indian summer's long past at this point i assume. the sky turned greyish and i see the branches revolting against the roots. so i'm thinking autumn's living out its last few days of decent weather and soon it'll be rolling thunders and snowy rains.
with two weeks of school behind there're some fishy things going on. i didn't leave the house today, yet, which felt good. i had a big breakfast with my brother mama and cousin and did some latin work. tried to indulge myself in chapters of middle east but failed. did squeeze in a few pages of milton though.
the rumour's out that i seem a little down this year. tense and unhappy, "angry" a friend described "quiet" another one pointed out (to which i responded "maybe i matured out" and he didn't seem to think that was necessary anyhow). i honestly do not know where the notion comes from but i'm thinking hearing the same line from a few different heads eliminates perception. i feel perfectly fine (not worse than usual, at least). detachment may be my recent air of being, but reproach and misery i'm thinking, aren't exactly what i have. i guess my recent revalations and peace treaties with hopes/plans/nightmares of the future and my final decision about taking of afterwards have kept me aloof--seeing i share nothing in similar with noone i know (them worrying about very important things such as career and alternative routes of making money [i hope my comrade won't take that personally or as an insult, i do joke around often on the subject through her lovely struggles which i know for certain will result in the best of ways] ) and me being in a state of existence far stays out and about of all those worrying about how i shall be free and where i shall go and to what shall i turn my back to (family and such strong devotion hamper one's wings with velvety ropes) so it all seems vain and meaningless to me and to what i desire they have no contribution whatsoever. that being said i guess little room is left for any common ground and any plesant outlet of affections--which i personally find it hard to dig out as days pass and even littler sharings are left.
a few things happened of joy though. without exposing to much i heard of a lovely news of a lovely friend who days before had me smile upon claiming "he should get me outta his life" since i kept going up against the walls he would like built against foreign intrusion. and something even greater came out of all that and my faith in the outer declarations of truth even got stronger, and i felt like one of the few persons who when giving an advice trusted upon her own beliefs and feelings--of which she herself acted upon way way before--a way of your actions holding up to your words--and it felt good know you do really do as you preach
second thing of joy--the new followill album is out. pyro already is a gem, and pickup truck is no less magnificent. though i wish they kept the instrumentation simpler in the back, considering that that voice of the singing one is worthy of gods--literally--very milton, to be honest all that fallen yet graceful form kinda deal--and the rest of the soudns seem to muffle him out a bit, in my opinion that is. and it's a bit more of the same--considering the drastic changes that happened in between the other albums--but it's still a beauty. i missed my bus the other and had to wait for 30 minutes exact for the next one--there in drizzling rain and the first round of listen i gave to come around sundown which made me praise my luck rather than curse it for missing out the bus.
the whitmark demos are obviously out. i'll probably get my hands on them soon enough and boy it's gonna felt awkward to listen to those--seems some of them will be written by zimmerman when he was around my age. makes one start comparing even though mountains and mountains lay between.
i do really wanna talk about joyce a little but this post is getting outta hand. so i'll take my leave for now. enjoy the weather.
with two weeks of school behind there're some fishy things going on. i didn't leave the house today, yet, which felt good. i had a big breakfast with my brother mama and cousin and did some latin work. tried to indulge myself in chapters of middle east but failed. did squeeze in a few pages of milton though.
the rumour's out that i seem a little down this year. tense and unhappy, "angry" a friend described "quiet" another one pointed out (to which i responded "maybe i matured out" and he didn't seem to think that was necessary anyhow). i honestly do not know where the notion comes from but i'm thinking hearing the same line from a few different heads eliminates perception. i feel perfectly fine (not worse than usual, at least). detachment may be my recent air of being, but reproach and misery i'm thinking, aren't exactly what i have. i guess my recent revalations and peace treaties with hopes/plans/nightmares of the future and my final decision about taking of afterwards have kept me aloof--seeing i share nothing in similar with noone i know (them worrying about very important things such as career and alternative routes of making money [i hope my comrade won't take that personally or as an insult, i do joke around often on the subject through her lovely struggles which i know for certain will result in the best of ways] ) and me being in a state of existence far stays out and about of all those worrying about how i shall be free and where i shall go and to what shall i turn my back to (family and such strong devotion hamper one's wings with velvety ropes) so it all seems vain and meaningless to me and to what i desire they have no contribution whatsoever. that being said i guess little room is left for any common ground and any plesant outlet of affections--which i personally find it hard to dig out as days pass and even littler sharings are left.
a few things happened of joy though. without exposing to much i heard of a lovely news of a lovely friend who days before had me smile upon claiming "he should get me outta his life" since i kept going up against the walls he would like built against foreign intrusion. and something even greater came out of all that and my faith in the outer declarations of truth even got stronger, and i felt like one of the few persons who when giving an advice trusted upon her own beliefs and feelings--of which she herself acted upon way way before--a way of your actions holding up to your words--and it felt good know you do really do as you preach
second thing of joy--the new followill album is out. pyro already is a gem, and pickup truck is no less magnificent. though i wish they kept the instrumentation simpler in the back, considering that that voice of the singing one is worthy of gods--literally--very milton, to be honest all that fallen yet graceful form kinda deal--and the rest of the soudns seem to muffle him out a bit, in my opinion that is. and it's a bit more of the same--considering the drastic changes that happened in between the other albums--but it's still a beauty. i missed my bus the other and had to wait for 30 minutes exact for the next one--there in drizzling rain and the first round of listen i gave to come around sundown which made me praise my luck rather than curse it for missing out the bus.
the whitmark demos are obviously out. i'll probably get my hands on them soon enough and boy it's gonna felt awkward to listen to those--seems some of them will be written by zimmerman when he was around my age. makes one start comparing even though mountains and mountains lay between.
i do really wanna talk about joyce a little but this post is getting outta hand. so i'll take my leave for now. enjoy the weather.
Thursday, October 21, 2010
October 21, 1969
We die the same
unconcern we live
J.K.
in between my pettiness and my frustrated riots i forgot about something that occurred to me long before--on the first or second day of october i think--when the weather was just turning sour and the days were getting shorter--i looked down the bus window and thought to myself: "Jack died on the 21st, didn't he?"
but today not even once i thought of it. not until i came home and turned on the computer and was forcefully remimnded. my insides turned. my blood froze. what little voluntary connection i've been letting myself have with the outer world seemed useless and vain. my hand over my mouth i felt something grab hold of my heart--as if jack had died not a lifetime before i was born but today--this very tasteless day in which even the heat seemed fake or unnecessary
but before all that--as i was walking home today thinking to myself of all the ties that i would severe once i hit the road to do my own thing--effortlessly all my dreams trailed down jack's spirit--through back woods and motels and alleyways--and i can not seem to imagine a future which i haven't based on his grace and beauty in some way or the other--him and many more obviously but him possibly the most--and now my fingers feel stiff and my heart feels heavy and tears roll down silently as they do after a lost love and a truly gone friendship--my tea slightly bitter and my music turned low--
live on, my dear soul. be at peace. oh how i miss you jack, today and tonight of all, oh how i miss you when i feel so alone and aimless and misguided and misused oh how i miss you when i can not tell noone what is it in the pit of my stomach oh how i miss you jack
how i miss you
and how i shall miss you forever more
until we meet at some other place where souls refusing to die end up staying till eternity runs out
reciting poetry and thinking about god and life and the void
jack. ah jack.
if i do become myself one day, it will be all because of you.
Monday, October 18, 2010
400.
400.
400 rays of sunlight.
ask me what is shall be in the future and i respond: free.
when i'm gone-- remember me in the whistling tune of the wind unsettling your hair and in those first drops of autumn rain.
400 rays of sunlight.
ask me what is shall be in the future and i respond: free.
when i'm gone-- remember me in the whistling tune of the wind unsettling your hair and in those first drops of autumn rain.
Friday, October 15, 2010
but the riverboat captain he knows my fate
children.
yes i am back. yes i couldn't keep my word. yes i crawled back with my tail in between my legs. but things have changed. words have changed and what they mean to me have changed.
getting that outta my chest i wanna move on to some of the crazy things that happened today. me and the girls and my lovely foreign friend went over to see this fortune teller. i don't know what it is about those places but ive always liked them--and though more that not you get nothing but made up bullshit (i doubt any other way is possible) i still like them. they give you a feeling of optimism that you can't resist really and it's not like you loose a teeth by trying to believe. so it works out fine.
huh this is weird. i guess i got rusty over time. i seem to skip like stones. anywho moving on--
it was fun as it always is. we were all girls and crazy things have come up. but the answers that you come up with one way or another only remind you the actual answers you would like. overall i decided that i liked those places because truth or not they offer you stories--they make you hear different versions of lives that you could or would lead--so it's not entirely a waste of time--you just have to sit back and relax and have fun with it
it took me a while to get back home. i was kinda in a state of confusion kinda dozed off didn't even notice the change of lights while i was waiting to cross the street. i should get some studying done this weekend but who knows by the way i'm feeling i doubt it's gonna happen
i feel weird doing this now that i haven't done it in a while
be well. i'll put you outta your misery now and stop writing.
yes i am back. yes i couldn't keep my word. yes i crawled back with my tail in between my legs. but things have changed. words have changed and what they mean to me have changed.
getting that outta my chest i wanna move on to some of the crazy things that happened today. me and the girls and my lovely foreign friend went over to see this fortune teller. i don't know what it is about those places but ive always liked them--and though more that not you get nothing but made up bullshit (i doubt any other way is possible) i still like them. they give you a feeling of optimism that you can't resist really and it's not like you loose a teeth by trying to believe. so it works out fine.
huh this is weird. i guess i got rusty over time. i seem to skip like stones. anywho moving on--
it was fun as it always is. we were all girls and crazy things have come up. but the answers that you come up with one way or another only remind you the actual answers you would like. overall i decided that i liked those places because truth or not they offer you stories--they make you hear different versions of lives that you could or would lead--so it's not entirely a waste of time--you just have to sit back and relax and have fun with it
it took me a while to get back home. i was kinda in a state of confusion kinda dozed off didn't even notice the change of lights while i was waiting to cross the street. i should get some studying done this weekend but who knows by the way i'm feeling i doubt it's gonna happen
i feel weird doing this now that i haven't done it in a while
be well. i'll put you outta your misery now and stop writing.
Thursday, October 14, 2010
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
i'm not sleepy
there's something incredibly untamed about touching someone. and at the end of the day i realized there are people who can end the world with a smile. not to mention that the smile belongs to possibly the most interesting person i've met in a long while. no evil intentions, there are some people that make you happy by entering your lives. reserved and unfamiliar. rosebuds and butterflies and tingling in the stomach. that familiar feeling of attaching one's dailyness to a foreign face--ah the best days before things start to blow over--those great days in which you only discover stories--and boy have i been craving for a man with a story and we don't have a lotta people with stories around
there mr tambourine man. there. i'll follow you. in hasty steps and unconfirmed thoughts--yet i'll still follow you.
edit-- praised be that feeling that you barely restrain at the bus stop that makes you wanna dance like a madman to got to get you into my life praised be strangers who give you that feeling praised be foreign smiles praised be languages and praised be blue eyes
there mr tambourine man. there. i'll follow you. in hasty steps and unconfirmed thoughts--yet i'll still follow you.
edit-- praised be that feeling that you barely restrain at the bus stop that makes you wanna dance like a madman to got to get you into my life praised be strangers who give you that feeling praised be foreign smiles praised be languages and praised be blue eyes
Monday, October 11, 2010
the answer my friend
all in good time. but till then--there a dylan barely a year or two older than i am--if at all
Friday, October 8, 2010
you may say that i'm a dreamer
i read a piece a few days past about an imaginary interview conducted with an imaginary john lennon at the age of 70--alive and well. it was one of the most enjoyable things i've read about men his kind. it portrayed a 70 year old, skinny, balder, wittier lennon living out in his farmland cracking jokes about the million more releases and never-before-releases and bootlegs and outtakes and etc that labels microwave and put in front of us day after day
the weird pleasant thing about the piece was that it had an oddly realistic feeling to it. john very well could have been alive. he resounds different than the others--from titans like elvis to angels like jim who with their beuty and fire never really fit into our daily world-- he feels real and possible and honest
so i pick up the pen again today only to celebrate his birthday in earnest affection--a little fact that i stumbled upon earlier today.
we have a saying in turkish about the fox returning to the fur shop no matter what. i feel them wings tickle my shoulders.
i'll probably stroll back in sooner or later.
'cause of men like john.
Saturday, October 2, 2010
gentle into that good night
as you may have noticed i'm keeping my quiet these days. not that i do not wish to write, because i wish to not be able to write. very interesting spot in a lifetime. have learnt after a very long winding road that in this life the best thing to do is to stop being extraordinary. there are billions of wonderful ordinary lives out there. i'm trying to be one of them. stripping down from all needless desires such as loyalty life and peace. instead learning to settle. thinking of things that you know you can not explain to the people. moving by. who knows when i'll be back. if i'll be back, that is.
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