October 21, 1969

We die the same
unconcern we live

J.K.




in between my pettiness and my frustrated riots i forgot about something that occurred to me long before--on the first or second day of october i think--when the weather was just turning sour and the days were getting shorter--i looked down the bus window and thought to myself: "Jack died on the 21st, didn't he?"

but today not even once i thought of it. not until i came home and turned on the computer and was forcefully remimnded. my insides turned. my blood froze. what little voluntary connection i've been letting myself have with the outer world seemed useless and vain. my hand over my mouth i felt something grab hold of my heart--as if jack had died not a lifetime before i was born but today--this very tasteless day in which even the heat seemed fake or unnecessary

but before all that--as i was walking home today thinking to myself of all the ties that i would severe once i hit the road to do my own thing--effortlessly all my dreams trailed down jack's spirit--through back woods and motels and alleyways--and i can not seem to imagine a future which i haven't based on his grace and beauty in some way or the other--him and many more obviously but him possibly the most--and now my fingers feel stiff and my heart feels heavy and tears roll down silently as they do after a lost love and a truly gone friendship--my tea slightly bitter and my music turned low--


live on, my dear soul. be at peace. oh how i miss you jack, today and tonight of all, oh how i miss you when i feel so alone and aimless and misguided and misused oh how i miss you when i can not tell noone what is it in the pit of my stomach oh how i miss you jack

how i miss you
and how i shall miss you forever more
until we meet at some other place where souls refusing to die end up staying till eternity runs out
reciting poetry and thinking about god and life and the void

jack. ah jack.

if i do become myself one day, it will be all because of you.