the singer not the song

you know i was just sitting here on my own looking over some great performances and bam comes up one too many mornings possibly of the 'royal albert hall' bootleg version. room fills up with familiarity. i tell bob i have to confront james and my emotional dilemma but he doesn't even care enough to shrug. wellthatshowiliketheoldman.

or not

haha turns out if i can get the tickets tomorrow the james walsh show is still possible. but i'm not planning this time--we'll see.

time has an knack of pulling the rug out from underneath us

i really need to pay attention to my own advices. tha show that got me excited (music music music) kinda fell apart. bummer.

the serious artist

man i don't know what it is about this vacation but it's so friggin insane--i have to go and get tickets to this wonderful show on wednesday. totally out of the blue. have like 866 things planned already for this week. i think the universe is trying to make a point--i wish it would make it a little less costly though.

oh why did we ever go so far from home

finally.

obviously i have too much to say (as i often do) so i'm gonna try to spill it out one by one. but i'll warn you fair and square--this is going to be a long long one.

this past week was insane--i had very little sleep and much to do--with pleasure though, not obligations--and i've done some stuff that i've been meaning to do lately. i went and saw that frida exhibit--good stuff, not better than the tsarist paintings up above though--that wonderful repin--i had actually told you all about it but the stupid cyber world decided to play inception on me and it somehow disappeared. anywho, i went to see it with a dear friend (w/ a good heart and a solid future, as always) and we've been wanting to do that for a while now. we thought we'd push things a little sooner because he's taking off tomorrow to go travel to once-the-paris-of-middle-east beirut.

another wonderful thing happened that day--since we had already walked down so further down on istiklal i thought i'd go check out this little bookstore that i've always loved--possibly the first place i loved in this town. the thing about that place is that it's a wondeful store with a mean set of employees. man the people work there are always very sour and miserable--everytime i buy something from that place i just keep my chatting to a minumum. i just simply pay and leave. yet this one time last tuesday we walked in and i got lost in the poetry section (fetched out a wonderful the divine comedy for a decent price and a sweet copy of ezra pound: the early writings) and i literally had a conversation with ezra on the inside trying todecide whether or not i was spending way too much money on books. anywho--i don't even know why i pretend to consider not buying these things--because i always end up buying them anyways. i was paying as usual and this time this guy that has been working there for ages just looked at me and smiled. it was the weirdest thing in the world he just kept staring at my face as i handed him my card as he took the receit as the waited for the bank to respond--this sincere gentle smile that a stranger could only possibly give to you just remained on his face. nothing beats a stranger's smile that comes up unexpected.

another higlight of the week--we had a graduation dinner for a very original spirit on thusday night. it was kinda nice--we had a chance to get together since the school ended and laughed and ate and drank and enjoyed ourselves. i think within time i somehow believed that it was just conventional conditions that keep us together--school and all that--and we'll fall apart as soon as that was done. he on the other hand seemed perfectly irrelevant to such worries.

in between all that--my dear comrade in name said something that could be the wisest thing i heard in awhile-- she said 'when you lose touch with one another's sense of humour that's when something's off' and i responded that to me it was off when you didn't feel like sharing the most trivial things--anywho once we split from the crowd we sat down and talked a bit about things--and the way things had been. we talked about awareness and sincerity and all that. i don't know if we've reached any conclusions--i don't know if there were any conclusions to reach--but a good friendship i take it is one within everyone notices when something's wrong. it makes one feel like they belong to a common higher notion. like you put something up there together in which your absence and somebody else's won't go unnoticed. for we are easily distracted within ourselves--only when we share something we pay attention to others

like i said it's been a long week. i saw my bestie the day after that, we hung out a bit and talked, but i was half dead already coming from tudoring. oh and before i forget-anton and i got to hang out a little too yesterday when a dear friend of mine generously offered his time to help me build a meaningful relationship with anton. and anton was very happy too to preen his feathers a bit when knowing fingers played dylan songs with him. i'm pretty sure he had forgotten that he was a guitar and that he remembered. my fingers though are still troubling. i can not do a 90 degrees stand with them. they're mushy and incapable of pressing down. that c chord kicked my ass too. they say practise makes perfect. but who knows really--maybe i wasn't born to play the guitar--just to enjoy those who do.

i'm gonna run down and try to work on him a little more. i feel like i had some other stuff to talk about but i don't know now. i'm just happy to be home today.

enjoy your slightly cloudy sunday lovers. be well.

...

just walked into my home sweet home--been running on like 6 hours per night for the last 4 days--spent about 9 hours possibly on the road (that is within the city)--my back and my legs are kinda not existent. not to mention that my fingers are anatomically challenged when playing the guitar. anywho--i will tell you all about it when i wake up after about 78 hours of sleep.

love ya.

i'm movin' after midnight

oh dear how long has the last two days been. i am exhausted--scratch that, borderline dead BUT i do have tons to talk about. i do wanna get some sleep first though then guess what--me and anton are going under supervision again. yes. will talk about all that and more.

have fun.

ps: haha, first time since school started--all my politics classes are AAs. that's kinda surreal.

back down south

so lovelinesses (new word, i know) i'll be leaving in a few hours. saying goodbye to a dear friend (just for the sake of ritual, i tend not to let original spirits slip away) then tudoring, then more taksim (oh that lovely downtown) then some long anticipated sleep over at my bestie. saturday morning breakfast with her, than possibly hanging out. anywho sa you see i'll be gone for a couple of days--knowing myself--i'll have tons to say when i get back. in the meantime you enjoy:

as if it should be writ on satin

"Scribendo disces scribere"

and yes i do know what that means. oh dear latin, how cruel you are, showing your colors just when time starts to slip away

sovereign light

i got really downhearted on all this when my post got magically deleted last night, but i've been listening to good songs and chilling out on my own for the day, so i may dig deep and find the will to pick it up again.

what i can tell you so far is that the more you listen to music, or read stuff, the further down the line the actual world seems. possibly because every piece of art at the end comes down to a journey you take on your own--and while commonalities make the pictures livelier, they dont' really do much more than that--it does make you lonelier to enjoy things such as songs and poems. i feel a little trapped by my trains of thought that just wonder around in solitude everytime i keep my head too busy with tunes and tones. possibly because i don't have that much in common with my fellow friends when it comes to these things--anywho

i found this lovely song the other day--called sovereign light cafe and it helped me to finally finish up that story of mine which had been hanging in midair for weeks now. it had been a thorn in my side when it was unfinished--and now it still hurts me somewhow--i just realized that i really wanted to talk about that boy a little more, and that girl, and that foamy relation--but a story is told, and it is told once it's told--if you keep poking at these every single time you feel like you wanna you end up with cheap sequels and changes of cast. well look at me, all grown up and professional and precise.

this vacation thing is tricky though--the next semester already had too much on its plate--not to mention that i'm still vague and undecided on all the vital things such as future and career and direction--and my ears opened greatly to hear my calling--and then doubting my calling and wondering whether or not it is my calling--and then getting around and around on that. so all the worries of the stuff that is to come already stifles me. the weather's been nasty too, almost froze the other day trying to get home, not too vital though. i work fine with the cold.

am having trouble sleeping though. actually, not really sleeping, but falling to sleep more like it. and then mostly i wake up not well rested. hadn't had a proper good night's sleep in weeks, possibly, but especially this last two weeks has been down on that.

been reading some of the letters of pound, poems of pound, ulysses all mashed up together. ulyssess espacially is not going well. i am not getting hooked on the story--not like the first few pages of stephen and his perfect voidness and beauty talking about god and 'believer' having one proper meaning--all the rest of the charaters joyce has been talking about (with slightly more enthusiasm)--i'm not feeling them. i'm not liking them. i find myself often reading tens of lines and not really paying attention. i'm starting to believe that it's the kinda book that you shut yourself down in a little house on a foreign land--or possibly the peak of jack's--and just put your life and love into it. but i'm stuck in this place and have a deadline for the library to return it to. so as much as i hate to do it, i may have return it to unfinished and go fetch my own copy somwhere so i can tear it apart as i would like too

i have had this horrible headache all day. possibly blurring the vision and making things look drearier but vacation is kinda lame, school is kinda tiring, life is kinda uncertain and love is kinda cold these days. there are good songs though--yet i don't know whether they pull me in or push me out

...

it is very easy for the night to turn sour for no reason. i really had a good day too. but a few unlucky incidents and bam, as if the night just goes to waste. oh. i feel tired already.

box of paints

i had written the best post ever and poof-its gone. not cool. not cool at all.

much ado about nothing

one should never plan things. especially things you enjoy. turned out i couldn't do any of the things that i planned today, i first had a little project contribution, then some family drama.

night is young, yet, i know.


edit a couple of hours after---

'night' 'young' all that beauty. listen to this. nevermind the movie, just hear the song.

gonna sleep over here that's where the music's coming from

"Thou cost me, and from hence i shake off thy chains"

soo yesterday was long. today's much mellower and more peaceful.

woke up late, had a good breakfast, made myself a lovely cup of that sweet scented ihlamur and did my usual routine--checked emails, checked dylan news, checked facebook, all that jazz. and i thought it was a good time to jot down a few words here.

just picked up my love poems from the shelf and looked through it. with ulyssess everything feels complicated and heavy so i thought i may need something to lighten up the air. but i found this lovely poem in it that really wasn't simple or lighter but pretty sweet--and that little line above is from that lovely ovid poem.

i did something quite odd the other day. i sent a friend--someone i know by name and maybe a few minutes of conversation, nothing too close--a few of my strories. been cramping over that for days now. it's one thing to have your heart and soul looked over and talked about by others that you know, it's another to have them out there in front of someone entirely out of your comfort zone. but you gotta get used to these things, i take it. if this is the life you wanna lead, at least.

i was in one of my prof's office the other day and he sat there talking about how great it would be if i wanted to focus on what i told him i wanted to focus on--there's not any efficient studies on that, he said, such a need in the academia, especially here in turkey. not to mention i had a fairly good avarage, scholarships should be within reach. and i just sat there, nodding, but my heart went cold, i felt strangled and trapped. so i thought i was back to sqaure number one. still planless thoughtless and uncertain about the future, you may say. my dad's been kinda slowly dropping hints too, saying stuff like 'you know, one of these days, we should talk about what you're doing after school' and being horrified when i respond 'london, only certain thing for now is london'

i don't know what i'll do for the rest of the day--since it's already 3 pm--but i kinda wanna watch a movie and read a little, chill out, maybe write a little. i do really wanna write a little. but we'll see. muse can not be pushed around, i've learnt. you gotta let it stroll in on its own. we'll see.

cheers

the wind is in from Africa

so tired. exhausted. will post when i get back on mt feet.

sub mare

It is, and is not, I am sane enough,
Since you have come this place has hovered round me,
This fabrication built of autumn roses,
Then there's a goldish colour, different.

And one gropes in these things as delicate
Algæ reach up and out, beneath
Pale slow green surgings of the underwave,
'Mid these things older than the names they have,
These things that are familiears of the god.

E.P

if i'm not myself writing well on this tasteless night i may as well let someone else speak who most certainly have had written well. i crawled into a sweet home shell these days. there's a very thin line between wanting to break out and wanting to stay in for good.

i'm bound to pick it up

having a lotta time kills the muse, i tell you that.

i don't give a damn about your dreams

there's all kinda magnificent in this one--that's a dylan song, that's a lovely lady, and that's--well--that's jack white. so. you know.

501.

because there is no such thing better than that plant's voice to start rollin down the rest.

500.

"I've got a right to be severe. For one man I strike there are ten to strike back at me. I stand exposed... Nevertheless it's a good fight."

E.P.

I had big plans and desires for this very post but then today i took in my hands the most recent--and by far the most precious-- piece of my library--an old russian dictionary that belonged to my grandpa.

then it all seemed insignificant. all of it.

you know i've been to sea before

children!!

have you missed me, my dear ones?

hellbent finals are done. i went to school today and hung out for a few hours--just hanging out, you know, not waiting for a class, not having to study or anything. just drank a cup of coffee, read some joyce, got friendly with people you can only get friendly with within the school. i was supposed to see a teacher but he was no-show, so i'm gonna go back again tomorrow and give it another try. who knows, something good may turn up.

whaddayathink i did the minute i was set free? ravaged the library, of course. though i'm still struggling with joyce--and i hereby declare ulysses the only book that managed to kick my ass--i am holding my breath and trying as hard as i can but i do have to say its a tough one--it's dylan crazy times a thousand. it is beautiful, but it is tough, i do have to say that. anywho--i'm not one that gives up easily on books. you just have to patient with them.

anyways, so i went down to that holy place and went through some stuff i had in mind. i took some poetry for my mother. another i took because a teacher of mine had recommended it to me when i told him that i was uneasy with capitalism seen as democracy's sole founder. then i took some pound--some beautiful pound--i found this wonderful books with all the letters he had written to all these amazing people--eliot, joyce, cummings--you name them, they are in there. i read about 3 pages of it and am in love already.

truth is i had planned this vacation to be a quiet one--you know, lotsa reading, good music, taking some time to myself. but now that tonight arrive i just wanna bottle up and explode. i feel like getting chatty on wine and thinking of dylan songs on my way back--but i don't know--i guess as you get older these things don't mean that much--cause back in the day it was all festivities and charms once the finals ended. now everyone's kinda in their own hazes. not to mention that i guess i don't love people like i used to and they don't love me as they used to so it's all a big mess of detachment--but then again it is better i suppose, with school ending and all that.

i am obsessed with joni.

but i feel like a dry era afoot, a few days or so maybe, i feel like my moods are slightly faltering and that joy and cheerful attitude is slipping away. if i know myself at all i'll be a little down in the upcoming days. that very first few days of nothingness. but you know me, i make the most of all them feelings.

speaking off--i still haven't managed to put an end to that story. it still just floats. perhaps i'll try ending that tonight.

i do love you all. somewhat. cheers.


i feel frightened for some reason.

achilles last stand

i was waiting by the bus stop the other day and realized how easy it was to detach lives form one another. i thought of an old friend and wondered what she'd be up to now and smiled. it felt as if she didn't even exist anymore. whereas with another i had just found common ground to laugh and enjoy with others i have thinned out all the threads. saddest thing is we don't really share anymore. which is the right path, i take it.

just felt weird though. have about 10 pages to write, 2 to go to 500, maybe i'll celebrate, maybe i won't. who knows.

"Icare!"

i am no joyce when it comes to latin--but boy do i feel proud of at least getting my first full on ovid almost right.

let the finals fly by and i will be posting everyfrigginday.


speaking of flying too high, my best just reminded me that today was caleb followill's birthday. now it would be unfair to let that pass since i've been praising that god-like voice of his and his wonderful hold of the words. so happy birthday, dear caleb.

red red rogue

ah. sleep. i need you so bad.

it's been a long day--lovely one, though. the weather was insanely good in the morning. i sipped my golden coffee by the benches and had that spring mood settle in. then long hours of debate and joking with friends (including my ability to speak 'like an essay') then a so-so final.

funny thing that i named one of my essays as 'personae' obviously referencing to the amazing pound collection of poems but i doubt that it'll be appreaciated.

well, well. i still have somewhat of my bubbly mood left. i'm tired physically and a little frustrated with finals and all that, but i still look and sound better than most. the school's a wreck, you see miserable people everywhere. i don't know what it is, and i don't know how long it'll last, but this beautiful buzz keeps me going these days. not that anything changed, but seems like something gave me a push. i'm all joyful and joking and hopeful. whaddayasaytothat. life made me a hopeful, idealist, imagine kind of dream-junkie.

we talked about towns today--about london and paris and what attracts people where. a friend of mine upon me claiming there was only one place i'd like to see in paris rolled her eyes in a sweet way and let out, "the gravesite, isn't it?" with another strange story-like friend we spoke of home and camels and traveling.

i am so tired that my brain's working slowly. i'm gonna cut this one short before it gets boring. i got joni singing in the back. now she's something. tells you how mighty a woman in love could be

cheers lovers

Come on down to the Mermaid Café and I will
Buy you a bottle of wine
And we'll laugh and toast to nothing and smash our empty glasses down
Let's have a round for these freaks and these soldiers
A round for these friends of mine
Let's have another round for the bright red devil
Who keeps me in this tourist town

the answer my friend

putnam says it's better to find an approximate answer to an important question than to find an exact one for a trivial one. that musta been what i've been doing all along--you know--not worrying about exact conditions to what will i do after school but worrying about what makes me happy in life? what do i love? why do i breathe?

if i could only get an approximate one to that.

the war is declared

and finally!

we've done all the crap that needs to be done. i spent a bit more money than i had planned but oh well...

london the mightly london. the land once possibly witnessed my dear ezra and eliot having a warm cup of tea--that beautiful land of europe that solely remained poetic and majestic and interesting.



i know--i know--but have a heart. could i have ended this post without that very specific song? it may be too obvious, but it is too perfect.

and i know this place

tickets tomorrow and ta-da, london's afoot.

house of cards

i am the luckiest child in the world--i have a mother who's devoted in her belief that i am a speacial one, a father who would die rather than let me get hurt, a brother who is more angelic than angels themselves. i come home everyday to this giant place of love and i can not trade that. every flap of the wing will fly me back home for i am loved here. at times i think it is the only chain that drags me down, at times, like today, it is the heaven up above that keeps me flying. i have seen love in its sheer beauty. how sad, and lonely, the world is in which not every child gets to see that. every crookedneess it bears every damage it has caused in my persona--i hereby forgive you. i hereby make peace. thank you.

just one drink

jack white's got dimples. there is a mysterious crooked joyful way of the world.

...

i have this weird tendency to build things and then burn them down. makes one feel god-like i suppose. i do kinda like it, though.

say i did it for love

yes, sadly i have learnt today again that socialism is not fit for the human heart. all is so simplistic and lacks grandeur within some people that we are all doomed to exist in this one layered world. capitalism fits so perfectly to that. it is illogical to expect anything else, i suppose.

let's all go looking out for number one and feel proud that we do so. how sad. how sad.

the only sound that matters

i am in this very mellow state of being for some reason--i think enough durance does bring one a certain amount of wisdom. if i didn't think it'd be cheesy, i would have put a smile after that one.

a friend of mine was telling me of her troubles today and i found out as i tried to converse that most of my anger and frustration had been swept away. possibly of domestication. or being tamed. but calm i stood and quite dreamless--in a good way though.

someone almost claimed in front of my eyes today that socialism aimed class distinction. it wasn't a major comment--it was hidden in between somewhere but i caught it instantly. oh the wasted youth of my planet. how sadly trapped you are in your own egotism. everyone knows the best these days. sad sad times.

did some research for the literary sites in london. ezra's house and joyce's house are priorities now but there are some real cool stuff to see--and music stuff too, like where jummy page once lived or where the stones were discovered. and the abbey road, obviosuly.

finals are passing by. nothing too vital for now, i think a cfertain avarage could be achieved. ah who cares. let the peace last a little longer:

you win you lose

aaah i tried real hard to not post this here but this is perfect:

walk a while with me

the happiest song in the world. i think some of us could use the boost.

so if you have a minute

i think the best thing to do in life to walk your own pace.

anywho, i'll study now. hopefully.

all of london sings...!

so me and the followill's have a date on the 23rd of June this summer in the glorious hyde park. we got the tickets. now a few other details are troubling about the trip but all in good time. for now, just enjoy.

...

i'm trying extremely hard to not jinx things but man, something wonderful may be afoot.

edit-- or not. now i'm all worried inside. oh dear.

dust in the wind

having a wonderful couple of first days of 2011. last day of 2010 i spent getting some rest, posting a little, them indulged myself in some ezra pound. then had a wonderful night with the fam got tons of lovely presents. last night also a long dbeautiful day--slept till after noon, big family breakfast, newspapers and tea for as long as you like, studying then a little then another big dinner with the rest of the fam. then came by kings of leon live at the O2 late late last night. had a blast watching that. if things go smooth, sometime in the summer i have a pretty sweet plan involving them and london.


anywho i have to study russian all day today finals are afoot. but will write in depth possibly some time later either tomorrow or wednesday night.

love you all

cheers