i remember somewhere through Brothers Karamazov the devil i think was saying that people would give everything in the world to be released from their free will--yes i know now what that really means--this sick in the stomach feeling i had all day with everything to do but more with everything to decide--oh man all that i would give just to be somewhere with no decisions waiting to be made--sometimes your gut tells you exactly what you should do anyways--mine has too--but human psyche is one delusionally disfunctional middle child
yet another goodbye has taken its place--the girl with curls (loved the sound of that, hence from then on will be her name) too took her luggage and flew to a colder paler town--wish she hadn't but wish her the best--and that too as always got my brain all wrapped up on thoughts and feelings--and the amount of shit to get done still is piled up behind my conscience--i'm like one of those lab rats that pushes the pleasure button instead of the food one till they die
not to mention that i am falling into the usual loop holes of me existence--which were thankfully destroyed over the last few weeks--months even--and to see that i'm getting myself into the same order of things scare me and i have to stop again--
to remind yourself constantly of yourself is such a burdensome thing--even the songs sometimes don't help--nor this sad child with all his beauty and rimbaud-ness who had to burn everything way before the end
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