you might say i'm young you might say i'm unlearned

i've been cramping to write stuff for days now and i tell you it's not working. some times you feel that emotion comes strong and then you look back and realize it really wasn't that big of a deal.

i haven't been going to school much lately, last week i almost didn't go at all, and this week already ditched half the week. it helps you to take a step back though and look at the people you spend your everyday life with. they fade away and instead you're left with vague associations. some you see more clearly the rigid, stiff, angry bits of them which you had ignored, or in your head justified, but some people lack love in a deadly manner. i think it stems from longs years of self defense and self preservation. but it is problematic. it is unpleasant.

others you see not as evil as before, you cross out excuses, you make amends, you come up with ways to work them into your lives. you let the anger pass slowly the less you see people the less vital they become so you begin assesing them more as a stranger than a true part of who you are.

and you are always more forgiving with strangers. so sometimes it helps.

it's just that things have been spinning around aimlessly. time feels like it does not pass when you stare outside your room away from the dangerous entanglements of the modern world. but then at certain moments when things pile up and get handled and pile up again you realize time is a tricky beast that only slowly releases its grip so you won't die at his hands. i sometimes at night close my eyes and try to dream of what to be and there is really nothing there. i think i stopped believing that time flows. i feel as entrapped as one can feel in an endless eternity.

i am eternal in my head. i feel like days won't pass i will never grow old and the time to decide (what is to decide anyways?) will never come. i do know what i want, that's the tragic part, but i can not fit it to the daily system. and then i step back, smile and realize that's the best thing that could happen to me. to dream such that is not convenient.

but then again--i am not eternal.