yes i did spent my day doing nothing--first one in ages--skipped school to ensure such. tomorrow also will not include school, but thursday i'm planning to get back on track. truth is i have a vague notion of time and how time passes--therefore i just walk around spilling it here and there, treating days as if they lead to nowhere. i am personally very pleased with such a way of looking at things, but i try my best to survive within the given structure of time.
been reading marx over the last few days (nothing too heroic, i had a midterm in which he took a great part) and i think beyond all the great ideas the man had the best one was his opinions on 'revolution' and how to 'revolutionize' one's ways. i think he is dead on right: the more you try to fight the system through the structure of it the more you fail to do so. by using what they give you you end up becoming a part of that. to revolutionize anything should mean an absolute breaking with its past--with its cancerous conservatism--and to really shake it to its bone. that's why a middle class thinking she/he can advocate change while admitting step by step the necessities of the given day--a good education, a good job, perhaps first an internship, good grades etc--no revolution there. just maintenance.
anywho don't think i have anything else elaborate to share. i've been still struggling with my thesis as before, i think i'm a little over my head on this one. i'm almost wishing that ezra would appear to me in some ginsberg-blakean vision and tell me something incredible that solves everything. but i've been taking him apart--ezra that is--trailing down strange steps like his contributions to newspapers or magazines of his times--this way of placing pieces of the puzzle slowly. been reading him and him only, since i have very little time to do any reading at all. even though i bitched a lot about the whole primary text deal at first, i do kinda like it now. straight down to the belly of the beast. it's tough though, simply because ezra is tough, but i think i secretly enjoy not getting it, and trying to get it, and then trying a little bit more.
and then there's this song. i remember putting a jack white-rolling stones version of it on here but let's face it: the glorified men in their youth were pretty amazing. i thought it would color up somebody's night after all. it has a base, beautiful, naked in the woods type of understanding of love--the man in the mountains, the humbleness, the rawness of mick's lovely voice. a simpleness that i love is in it.
i think there's something slightly mellow tonight. i have these fluctuations of heart i can not fully understand but i'd like to think they are a result of having too much spirit, or too much heart, or something that is too much that won't be pushed down but chooses to ooze of the cracks. now, for example, i am completely at ease and even slightly happy. but half a minute may pass and i can lose sight with anger. makes me wonder if perhaps everyone is, after all, the same?
i really wanted to write a story tonight but that also comes and goes lately, stones in themselves have more of a do than write act to them, but i do have all these feelings that i wish i could put on somebody else's shoulder.
i'll see you when i see you then?
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