sovereign light

i got really downhearted on all this when my post got magically deleted last night, but i've been listening to good songs and chilling out on my own for the day, so i may dig deep and find the will to pick it up again.

what i can tell you so far is that the more you listen to music, or read stuff, the further down the line the actual world seems. possibly because every piece of art at the end comes down to a journey you take on your own--and while commonalities make the pictures livelier, they dont' really do much more than that--it does make you lonelier to enjoy things such as songs and poems. i feel a little trapped by my trains of thought that just wonder around in solitude everytime i keep my head too busy with tunes and tones. possibly because i don't have that much in common with my fellow friends when it comes to these things--anywho

i found this lovely song the other day--called sovereign light cafe and it helped me to finally finish up that story of mine which had been hanging in midair for weeks now. it had been a thorn in my side when it was unfinished--and now it still hurts me somewhow--i just realized that i really wanted to talk about that boy a little more, and that girl, and that foamy relation--but a story is told, and it is told once it's told--if you keep poking at these every single time you feel like you wanna you end up with cheap sequels and changes of cast. well look at me, all grown up and professional and precise.

this vacation thing is tricky though--the next semester already had too much on its plate--not to mention that i'm still vague and undecided on all the vital things such as future and career and direction--and my ears opened greatly to hear my calling--and then doubting my calling and wondering whether or not it is my calling--and then getting around and around on that. so all the worries of the stuff that is to come already stifles me. the weather's been nasty too, almost froze the other day trying to get home, not too vital though. i work fine with the cold.

am having trouble sleeping though. actually, not really sleeping, but falling to sleep more like it. and then mostly i wake up not well rested. hadn't had a proper good night's sleep in weeks, possibly, but especially this last two weeks has been down on that.

been reading some of the letters of pound, poems of pound, ulysses all mashed up together. ulyssess espacially is not going well. i am not getting hooked on the story--not like the first few pages of stephen and his perfect voidness and beauty talking about god and 'believer' having one proper meaning--all the rest of the charaters joyce has been talking about (with slightly more enthusiasm)--i'm not feeling them. i'm not liking them. i find myself often reading tens of lines and not really paying attention. i'm starting to believe that it's the kinda book that you shut yourself down in a little house on a foreign land--or possibly the peak of jack's--and just put your life and love into it. but i'm stuck in this place and have a deadline for the library to return it to. so as much as i hate to do it, i may have return it to unfinished and go fetch my own copy somwhere so i can tear it apart as i would like too

i have had this horrible headache all day. possibly blurring the vision and making things look drearier but vacation is kinda lame, school is kinda tiring, life is kinda uncertain and love is kinda cold these days. there are good songs though--yet i don't know whether they pull me in or push me out