if it eases you know

"O how unlike
To that first naked glory."

John Milton - Paradise Lost

oh yes it has happened--after much dragging (school makes it harder to enjoy all these lovely things about life)--i am done with the very beautiful yet intense Paradise Lost. Which is kinda artful in itself--because i always get this bitter sweet feeling at the end of every book--after dragging it all around god's green earth--after ditching classses and smiling at the rain under busstops with my lovely companions its always sad to finally put them up on a bookshelf after taking one last peak at their worn out pages (and boy do i wear those pages out). even sadder is when i have to place them on a pile on unrelated mysteries in the library so that some guy can push it away on a cart and place it back from when i had first taken it out of

but this time it wasn't entirely devastating and heartbreaking--for i met up with another friend--whose weary, stone like face met me on a faded green irish morning by the stairs holding out a hand not encouragingly but more accepting saying if you must... and i ran down defying his perfectness and began trailing around him like a child let loose for a day trapped indoors--dedalus and i have found that we both have changed and now we both have stories to tell. i started to listen to his this morning and have i missed him--you have no idea.

besides that--upon discovering the settlement of an old attachment within--a goodbye long given without me noticing--i realized everything's doomed for death and destruction anyhow--but we should be gentle with people--and honest--for where honesty reigns unfairness rarely comes up and hearts remain intact (even when they are not so they still accept the truth and learn to move on)--anger and hatret is unnerving and such a shame--so i realized today that you should all put it out there to ensure a peaceful ending from the get go--for no matter how you love someone you will one day realize you are no longer that dependent you are no longer attached--and that will only be peaceful if you can actually understand that you have outgrown it and it has outgrown itself--and that requires honesty in itself anyhow

and that i figured out today having silently waited for the youthful blush to leave me face only to know that all has been done and settled. and i have outdone the feeling itself. it was a beautiful ending. a brave one. a friendly one. a gentle one only for i do not lie to people. only for i know myself. and myself knows within time only what within time you can know

so tomorrow comes and the sun shines and i wear out stephen with my childish manners and my incapacity to hold back my affections. and he so does to me with the poetic beauty that joyce had placed in him

vale!