little words are heavy

ah and it finally happened. all that crash and crash and crash finally sparked the flame to burn.

my downward spiral began giving unpleasant fruits of which i never though was possible--so much for believing in my invincibility--and tonight i faced the cold hard fact of failure. a grave that you dig yourself--there is a beautiful saying in turkish that comes down to "you don't cry if you fall on your own" and that i knew today storming from a classroom worrying about where i was bleeding and more importantly why i was bleeding and i saw then--end of the tunnel--it all goes helldown from here and it makes you smile to think so--for you don't believe that evil and misgiving and bad consequences are ever true you always think you'll dodge the bullet when push comes to shove--so actually taking a hit on the side makes you feel as if you exist on some unreal russian novel full of fire and flames

the odd thing comes a second after. you think you're flashing red you think your arms are swinging all over the place you think you're literally burning up and the people around you don't even notice. you think you're going down so fast that it is impossible to not see 'here i am' you say 'look i'm drowning' but it's amazing how little can be noticed and even littler believed in. not that others are evil or ignoring it's just we happen to see ourselves in such large shapes and stories where the truth is that we're all bleak spots of pain spattered all over the place

so what do you do? you seek comfort in the places you're least likely to get it. i think it's just a way of making everything worse just to be denied you ask just so that another scratch and another one it's such a cliche to say it but you do feel alive. for when good is gained you fear of losing it you fear of being mistaken you fear of being lied to but bad bad just comes down and strikes fast and you can not doubt it and more importantly deep down you don't really believe it. it all feels like a massive play. like a game. scorn and frown and drown.

you kinda wish it all gets worse. i don't know why. you do. it's insane and immature and childish but once you lose your balance you just wanna plunge down head over no hesitation.

doesn't mean you're unafraid. sad part is i have in time i guess i made people believe there was something insincere about me. for if you have to try to make someone believe you're frigthtened there is no real friendship no real love there. it's like we all try to prove someone else's troubles wrong. whethere it is because we believe ours are greater or because ours are worth crap--i do not know. and i got back home today to this sweet loving hole in the world that will swallow me down sooner or later--but all seemed insignificant. then had a long chat with my bestie.

then watched beautiful keane performances. now i finally figured out what it was about that specific band that just hooked me on so passionetely and it's the honesty in chaplin's voice then just grabs you. it's beautiful--not extraordinary but extraordinarily beautiful--but more importantly it's the most honest thing i've heard in my life. you can't argue against it. it just says what it should and you know that's how it is. it pulls out all these misconceptions and mistakes and tells you about them. it won't throw'em at you but it tells you simply and straightforward and one by one. slowly. realistically. not to mention that there are some great lyrics in between the lines. the lovers are losing is one of the best things i've heard in a while.

anywho plans for tomorrow--sleep, for starters. wikileaks should be a part of it--darn midterm. have to go buy boots (speaking of-a friend of mine upon seeing me today declared "sobered up yet?"). then who knows--who knows anything--

i have this image in my head all the time--this image of diving into the water. a bath tub a pool a lake a friggin ocean. doesn't matter. i just see myself floating with the water cool and easy and everything further down the line.

enjoy--



i know i've put this song before. it's an amazing song anyhow but this performance is so poetic that i had to put it up.



this one i put 1)that lead is adorable 2)the lyrics are worthy of mentioning

enough rambling already--oh there is nothing like the midnight to unravel my tongue