who would have thought me of all would slowly grow quiet? funny business but turns out it takes time to pick up these things again. but i have missed it, that is the honest to god truth but man a part of me mustta been relieved with the liberation of having slipped from that role of a mediator--a role of a wicked messenger(yeah i bet bobby would have loved that one). the less you write the less it feels like you need to write--except for this momentary pain that strikes in the middle of your chest--truth is you see little difference it makes, whether you do or do not, and the less you appoint meanings to actions the less you seem to be fascinated by their existence. stop writing and you realize you actually can stop writing--stop writing and you realize nothing changes and the world moves on and you move on as well and sadly you see it is no air you breathe. you do survive.
you do become mediocre though. you suddenly lose a vital chord that you used to be tied to the high and the mighty--the pounds the joyces the blakes the dylans even--the mightiness and the beauty stops flowing in. you feel excluded.
the last day or two have been a little confusing--things have been going rather i wouldn't say terrible but unluckily would be i guess a proper word. besides that strange strange happenings have been taking place--the whole year book graduation crap has been coming down. been questioned quite frequently for the last 3 days on what i'll be doing later on in my life--i think at some point people just grow bitter and resentful of having been forced to decide and decide all their life so they can not happily admit the youngster w/ honey in her mouth and figeting fingers. they look at the undecided spirit and curse having been decided themselves.
why not undecide? i've undecided a whole lotta things in my life. i've undecided loyalites i've undecided friendships i've undecided ideoligies. i've undecided love. i sure as hell can undecide pretty much anything after that.
plus there this funny belief in some kind of a higher notion--not a god or a prophet but a magical stream of balance in the world--i do not mean that in fairness, for world is anything but fair--but in extraordinary events--like a passion or a soul mate or the perfect job/decision/adventure--i happen to believe that those come unplanned and unprepared. the perfect ones find you not the other way around.
but then again all that could be the blabbering of a kid. i realized the other day that i can just sit for half an hour and think and not get bored. not think of high political strategies or anything but just think. i'm not sure if that makes me terribly boring, or just ridicilously entertaining.
anyways i really wasn't planning to post today but this came out, and that friendly mellow feeling has returned of just rambling endlessly. ezra's getting impatient and quite frustrated with my abilities to form a proper thesis argument and i try to tell him that i'm not that bright anyways, and him of all people should know that.
be well people.
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