old friends

i am at peace quite strangely due to a few conditins i would say:

for starters i have a bunch of new albums coming my way--the whole of joni's studio miracles-- and a bunch of news ones that i've already listened to that i've been dying to hear-- bookends for example and pet sounds

also i have noticed that whatever attachment i had to the last remaining crowd of my soical life i had severed it. i'm missing a huge get together and truly i feel no remorse. not in a bad way, no, not in a suck-it way. i love a few individuals in there (and a few i loved back in the day) but the long tables and wine-driven conversation no longer bring us together but perhaps take us further apar--or take me, take me further apart. it is now beyond shifting dynamics, i would say. what we have felt for one another has been dealt with, and concluded. i wish there was a way of portraying how calmly i have noticed such, how at peace, but i guess 'sincerity' has been lost and never found, and there's nothing more normal than people questioning what i say just like i question theirs. it's just-- we share nothing anymore.

i am not built for friendships though. i really am not. can't fit them in. i think i may even further say that friendships and friends don't exist. there are lovers and then people you like seeing, you grow accustomed to, and people you would prefer not get hurt. i was on the bus yesterday overhearing this young woman fighting the hell out of her friend over the phone--who was right who was wrong who had been a bitch and so on--again who was sincere and who wasn't--and i wanted to tap on her shoulder and say, 'sugar, nobody cares anyhow but you, you yourself, you care the less" i didn't though. she seemed upset enough.

i have a ten page paper to get on with (not to mention my thesis) but i like the subject on that one so that's not too bad.

i just had an ice cream cake which i also again like dearly.

so i think at this point i'm ok. then again you may question why i tell you any of this but i tell you everything anyhow. i do really like to hear myself talk.

there was a great dylan song about all this. there is always a great dylan song about everything.