so best not pretend

long long day.

it's raining though, so that's pretty sweet. raging storm, too. got caught on my way back--then it went away (back now, with lightnings and all)--just left the wind and the falling leaves. and music in my ears. i do know how to live on my own, for sure.

everyone seems to be on a struggle. million little words each with its own set of worries. i do feel seperate though--don't know if it's arrogance or just misery--it feels like everyone's striving to be comfortable--i'm fighting to survive. all these thoughts and pains that i hold dear wear me out. my heart is like--you know how your headphones get screwed over but not entirely broken and you know that very suddenly you may unsettle the sound--yeah, that's how it is. certain moments both ears go blazing, then suddenly, dead silence. i was walking down to the school today perfectly fine. then thoughts began coming over. songs suddenly got sad.

there's a bench that i may have mentioned earlier--we call it the 'lovers bank' cause it always has creeping couples getting all romantic after dark and all--and it's never unoccupied. i walked down and i looked at it--funny story--all the leaves of the tree that had been keeping it undercover and out of sight has fallen--now it's just out there so barren and obvious that it has no relation left to lovers whatsoever. then i sat down a little--listening to the best song i've heard in a while--and a few drops of tears fell. just like that. at moments of silence like that you realize the darkness within. and it frightens me these days. it won't make me sad, no, it just scares me. we do get damaged, after all. all these bruises and burns do leave a mark. you don't notice that.


this song--love is the end--i can't move past it. turns out it was exactly what i've been wanting to say all along. it's simplicity and beauty and sunset and goodbye spirit aside--it is true--love really is the end--nothing gets better after that. you should cherish everysecond in which you're learning to love/like/care for someone because once you do, well, it goes downhill from then on. there are no more steps to take. once you care, you just simply not care--very soon. it looses its charm. it looses its magic. the pathway up is beautiful--like the first ture laughter you share, or the first time you say the same thing at the same second, or the first time you share a song, or read a book together, or when that person--friend/foe/lover--makes you smile on a day you thought noone could--those are the beautiful things. after that--best not pretend cause love is the end.

night breaks blue. beautiful.

what was i talking about? right, emotions. like today with an old friend. i felt where affection once stood justified or mistaken now rang empty. even distasteful. not that it mattered--but the feeling itself--to see that turn into that bleak even bored attitude--i felt as if i let slip something valuable. i feel that a lot these days--with friends who now seem very estranged to me. today was unbearable. i keep saying it's not lack of love. but it is the lack of something.

funnily, that song is the most peaceful thing i've heard in ages. it soothes me down. it reminds me of a tale i've always wanted to tell.