or not.

---after all that bitching about having shit to do-- i did nothing all night. now i'm skipping school tomorrow but probably will end up doing nothing then too. oh well. so typical of me.

baby let me follow you down--

so my dad just brought me the ticket, you know, printed out and all. i think i may spontaneously combust or something--out of joy, that is. oh i have so much to tell you--loads--but i swear to god time seems to be on a roll these days--i may skip school tomorrow or at least a good part of my classes to catch up on the shitload of shit i have to get done.

been reading the waves with the request of a wonderful friend. good one too, so far. i have stuff to say on that too.

but for now--i have a paper to finish and hundreds of pages to summarize. yucks--but look what i found lurking in the deep cobwebs of the cyber world--

tullips

see now i had gigantic thoughts all day--including tullips and libraries and families and goodbyes and tiresome mornings turning bright spotting the rain--and all the jazz but too much traffic and not enough sleep sucked the life out of me so i'm not gonna say much tonight--though get ready--the minute i am on my two feet alive enough to squeeze in a few drops of thought i will be raging here like crazy--


until then have this one speak for me--



(try to ignore the random european youth will ya)

more sugar, more salt

"Oderint dum metuant."

sugar baby!

mama went and bought herself the ticket tonight. happy as she could ever be. so happy that this third person meaningless reference makes her giggle. playing all her dylan albums back to back hoping that by the time she finishes her cup of tea it'll be may already

can't buy me love...

...but it sure as hell can buy me a damn dylan ticket. oh i am so jittery! i want that ticket. i have to have that ticket.

flashing

sad how one dimensional people are how colorless (no i won't say grey since grey is a beautiful color that tells of sorrow and desolation and noble sadness or white since white itself is springly beautiful too) but colorless as in the dead eye of a fish as it stops flapping on the wooden tile. if you just wiped away 2/3s of the world and put pineapples instead and made sure each pineapple was carried to the right place on the right time--nothing would have changed--except that pineapples are colorful and sweet and look helluva lot better than most people do



ps: wish me luck tomorrow. depending on the course of things i may be the happiest person on earth or the most wrathful. we'll see.

i'll remember you

hey-i warned you-this excessive dylanization of this particular blog over the course of the next couple of months--and probably long after if plans go as planned and i get this one thing i've always wanted (besides the million other things)--anyways here's teeny tiny bobby moment from one of his movies. just found it and thought i'd share--it does have some truth to it in words--and if not there's that funny quirky little bob smile that could make you see things differently--

i don't feel much like writings nowadays--don't know why. this smokey foggy misty crap is surrounding either my heart or my brain or my something--whatever that gets me to write--so i apologize for the lack of quality and importance (though it never really had importance anyways) through the recent posts and get on with it and post you the clip--might as well not say/write one more word since i skipped school today because my bus wouldn't come and instead slept and ate and bathed and listened to music and read books while i was supposed to be studying--and all may tumble down sooner or later and we may all be miserable or i may run into the guy i saw last week reading foer again tomorrow morning and destroy his consciousness by my sincerity and unexpected-ness (if that's a world) and make him miserably human for the rest of eternity

there you go--



edit---you're lucky the thing appeared wrong and i had to fix it and all--so i decided to put this on too because of two things one because it's the perfect version of a overproduced 80s song (which was still OK i suppose with bob and all) and 2) well obviously because the lyrics are perfect in any f*n version and for any and all reason i can not force you to like anything but if i can't give out at least some of this stuff i feel like i betray some higher notion of humanity--like biting the apple and not sharing it with anyone else



edit2--have no clue why my clips are ginormous. oh well.

only by night

here's one i hadn't listened to in ages, and still manage to love blindly.

stumbled upon it accidentally while browsing through a playlist i had put together million years ago.




ahh these songs are gonna be the death of me (in a good way).

why would i care i like going nowhere

now this is what we'll do for the day--catch up on my latin, enjoy the sunlight, make myself a wonderful cup of coffee and enjoy the family conversations of the sunday morning:

"thought the guy was dead"
"he's only 69!"
"wasn't that going to be in the stadium?"
"noone would hear him!"
"if you're gonna see some old guy-go see paul, 'least he's more fun."
"that's not the same"
"paul was--paul"
"he can't be that old, now, can he?"
"well he isn't young, certainly"
"still they're all the same generation"
"69 is not that old"

and such. anyways. if the million headed monster that is time lets me, some quality time with anton ("those aren't short enough!" "i haev no nails left! you want me to pull him out?" "that'll make you the best guitarist in the world!" *laughter*) and reading foer with more coffee.

great weather outside. just great.

how does it feel?

that's m'boy.

...

i have that "oh man i have this really good idea for a story" now feeling in my gut--but god knows that i haven't been able to formulate that wonderful plot lines in the recent days and who knows when will be the next time i may be able to do so- that darn muse never comes in the right place at the right time--but i am tired and sleepy as it is and want to take the world on hold for a bit to slow down and swallow--so many stuff to do and so many places to be--and that hope of things may be turning up sooner or later (like my endless pit of a bag)and all that--and sleep--sleep--

...

well i had just written the best post ever and the whole thing just vanished thanks to my stupid computer --vanity--void--and i won't write it again--

fly yourself away from here into the clear

strangest things happen in our daily days.

i went down to the school this morning--as always--my ears full of music and sunglasses keeping the sun above the beautiful view--anyways, i went down to the study hall to get an hour of reading before the day began and i got lost in the haze of things.

(before i move on, ezra was missing, she/he sometimes does that, i'll let you know when he/she pops up again)

so i found myself a cozy spot, cranked up my beloved followill boys and dug deep into my bag (which in a way is very similar to life--it's huge and endless and no matter how much you look for things in vain and minutes pass and you still can't find shit in there but you still can not kill the hope of maybe finding it--see my point?) and figured out that me in my sleep deprived state of mine had left it at home. with one side of my heart down torn out i just sighed and cursed my luck--then cursed some more--then cranked up the music even louder and decided to sleep instead--

when i woke up--rubbing my eyes, trying to get back into life--i realized a complete stranger who had been sitting across from me was reading my book--the one that i had forgotten at home--the very same book! now see me, i never read the things other people read or listen to things other people listen to never at the same time and i always exist in some other desolate universe where i can't share the goosebumps with anyone but me and occasionally jack and bob and jim when it comes to joys of the spirit (i have no idea why--it's just the way it is)-- so i felt this tingling in the pit of my stomach and i knew then and there

i was in love. total absolute wishful love.

it lasted about 5 seconds--in which i stopped cursing God for making me forgetting my book at home and for never really telling me if he exists or not; I noticed once more how amazingly beautiful caleb followill's voice was--how strange! how poetic!--I realized that that Yeats poem was or could be or maybe true, but i bet moths don't care a whole lot about eternity--or the exact opposite maybe--and I felt my heart floated "light&free" (only when it is empty the heart stinks like a stone in still water) felt like writing to my name in comrade that i have finally fallen, or like grabbing a total stranger from both shoulders, in the early spring chilliness, and scream-like some crazy dostoyevskien persona--"I am in love, brother! I have just fallen in love!"

then my 5 seconds ended.

i don't know what it was that i felt or how i felt it or how it just appeared or disappeared--i don't know what it means in our orderly feelingless world-- but him i will most likely never see again--or wish to see again--or even want to see again, but him--a complete stranger in a moment of familiarity--made me spark. momentarily. but still. a spark.

then the feeling turned itself into this endless desire to hug people, so that's what i did for the rest of the day.

...

st patrick celebrations around the corner, children. hopefully, we'll just live another day.

either way you caught me whilst a-lying

so--i was looking for this other song which i had no clue what it was about or whom it was written to concerning what--but one line of it (which i made the title of this post) was just sheer perfection. anyways in my quest to find a live video of that, i discovered something else. yes i know you're sick of them followill boys by now but what can i do--they make good songs--at least songs that feel good to me...

this is a tiny itsy bitsy performance with eddie vedder. there's so much energy involved i thought i'd get it on here just to get someone off their seats.

enjoy.

friends

oh but there is nothing more beautiful in the world than to write a letter to a friend whom you would kill to talk to that night--and than to get a phonecall from her and from another belovedly beautiful friend--and this shivering feeling that goes to your toes and the tears that silently comes down--only to know that after all you can love and can be loved and nothing else in the world can ruin that very heart you've managed to befriend with your own


i wish both of you were with
me
oh how i wish that
but there are songs
and birds in early spring
and cats refuse to get off your lap
and fresh air
and chocolate cakes
and all other things that make me remember
of your preciosness

so peaceful so sublime

so this has been a wonderful week.

i'm still majorly sleep deprived but you know, i can live with that.

i think i'm getting the hang of this 8 class destruction thing. it may even work out--i like most of my classes--and the ones i don't like i don't also hate--i like most of the teachers--i like the people and the faces i see everyday

now there is a whole system refreshening itself--an oddly peaceful and and joyful air fell over my wasteful days--i seem to like where i am and who i am with--all the people that i see smile in the rush between classes and skipping some just to hang out and have some coffee to talk about fyodor--you know, the right people comes once you are the right person--you need to realize yourself before you realize others--that type of thing and all

see what else--oh had a wonderful conversation with a good friend today--one of a gentle mind like some of my kind--the kind of conversation that i used to have with my comrade in name (whom i dearly miss and loathe the french for taking her away)-- anyways and we unveiled some of the mysteries of the world. such like the desire to love the crooked broken screwed up types not because we love the dysfunction too much but we just love ourselves too much and in that desire is actually just the desire to be able to fix the broken man--i think it was fyodor once who said women can't love but despotically--that sort of reassurance in our mightiness is necessary to go on in life. so we pick up challenges along the way.

lemme see-other than that, we talked about fyodor--about the desire to share--about free will and the snowball effect--about how books are like albums and all that. it was a good way to spend 2 hours

oh and i am finally done with book of dreams and i admit it was rough, me and jack--we kept each other at arms length this time, just to be on the safe side--and he was a bit more wilder than before, with the entire book being just a collection of his dreams (the man has one helluva subconsciousness, freud would have been proud)-but anyways, if you get past that it was the good old jack "ornamenting this world with his sincerity", and along the way with gems like this one--

"--the futility of the Bohemian decider and undecider trying to find hedonistic formulas to happiness in an ascetic ball of globe covered with unhappiness."

so there you go children. and before i take my leave i will leave you with one more jewel--this song, man, this song--you know, how dylan thomas said a good poem changes and completes the world (or something like that), well this song proves his point. yes, the world must have been so crooked and failed and wrong and disappointing and broken and imperfect before this song came along--yes it is that good of a song and if you can't see that than i'm sorry--not in a condescending way,no, never---but in a heartfelt way because if you could only see the beauty of this like i see it--well, i can't really explain that feeling but i do hope and wish you could feel it too

be well.




ps: this version is bit too dreary too much breaks if you ask me--make sure to check out the album version. do it!

separation of powers

i may have reached nirvana today. turns out even sociability under right circumstances can be fun. oh such a good era is afoot--a new dawn is breaking--and i'm free as a bird--and my lungs are free and my eyes--and my thoughts are most of all!--ahhh the chains of my making that prison i locked myself up in--


just a bit warmer the weather should be. that may be all i need to be perfect.

ps: a lovely friend of mine will be teaching me how to play guitar in the upcoming days. so anton and i will be interacting under supervision. yay.

i'm not there

as of today i will try out a new me---i won't talk as much listen as much read as much or think as much--i will be in a peaceful desolation much similar to one we will all be dying in sooner or later--i will be with myself more often--and just myself--and the other obligations of human contact can kiss my ass from now on--oh and i'm gonna be a real good student and i'm gonna do all my studying until my brain is mushed into pudding which is really what works in this system we all live in--


7 simple rules for life in hiding,

1. Never trust a cop in a rain coat
2. Beware of enthusiasm and of love, each is temporary and quick to sway
3. When asked if you care about the worlds problems, look deep into the eyes of he who asks, he will not ask you again.
4 & 5. Never give your real name, and if told to look at yourself, never look.
6. Never do or say anything that the person standing in front of you cannot understand.
7. Never create anything, it will be misinterpreted, it will chain you and follow you the rest of your life, it will never change.

B.D.

yesterday and day before

i'm sorry--but this is such a good song that it should be reminded oftenly.

dylan on dylan (yes that is not very original i am aware but perfectly suitable)

oh just when i thought my brain was way too numb to do anything proper tonight--then this pops up and it makes me smile--genuinely--maybe for the first time today

...

oh and-- i hate umbrellas.

--and night lamps.

let's call a heart a heart

ok at the end of the day--

a cat truly paralyzes the brain. i don't know what it is about them but as soon as one curls and stretches and places itself on your lap--the world just simply becomes irrelevant--i think i had the first 15 minutes of my life today in which i did not have a single thought--some crazy trip those cats are---


am in the final pages of book of dreams

man, these people just have to many sticks up their asses

anyways

here's a good song.

...

"'are there any questions?' the
instructor asks. a blond haired
little boy in the first row
raises his hands an asks
'how far to mexico?'"

B.D.-- Tarantula

yub nub

hahaha here's a baby "ewok".

yes--the star wars discovery has ended. crazy times.