this state of mind that i'm in is not an unhappy, grieved, resentful or angry or angsty or any of the bad ones, it's more of a matter of fact, day and night, light and dark one. it's not even necessarily sad, more like...homesick.
the feeling of being the wrong piece in the puzzle. i'm telling you, people, i could have worked out so pefectly somewhere else. I love where i am dearly, the people i have in my life, my family, my day to day habits...those make me who i am, i am in great desire to be with them. but there is also that loose end in my inner wells, a crack where the water leaks further away. i can't really explain it--not like you can ever explain anything good in life--but this want to be in another context is tiring and burdensome, but it is appropriate. it gives you a bitter smile, and a way of accepting your surrondings.
you can't escape yourself--or change who you are. i am happy to be who i am. i am happy, at times, to be where i am. other times...well, if other times didn't exist, times wouldn't have been enyojable, would they? but there is a void in there somewhere that can not and will not be filled by anything i have or will have. my friends and further friends--i love them dearly and life wouldn't mean as much without them, but don't resent me for telling you the truth--of which none of you have been capable of filling that void, or ever can, cause the void can and will be filled in an entirely different place and time.
don't sweat it, don't think to much. don't understand. i have many layers, i can present them all. you choose what you like, and i won't blame you for it. that's exactly what i do to you in return. i chose you all to fulfill something or another, it's just fair you do the same.
the day finally rolls around and like a man wrote once, whom i dearly love without ever meeting once, "a peaceful sorrow is the best i'll ever be able to offer the world..."
Then am I
A happy fly,
If I live
Or if I die.
William Blake
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